"And the crowd bailed, leaving just me and the security cameras instead of God watching to catch me when I fuck up."

I haven't exactly fucked up yet. But I corrected a foolish assumption and caught myself from slipping into that dark pit of emotional self-destruction and doom. There always is that sense of "someone watching me" and I can't help but feel that Someone Up There thinks this is really funny. And, well it is rather funny in the nihilistic, self-depreciative way I'm oh so familiar with. I feel slightly embarrassed about it but apart from the security cameras, there aren't any witnesses to my crime of unwarranted optimism.

It's not pessimism, it's pragmatism.

It's not pessimism, it's self-preservation.

The same way you might look at your leg cut off at the knee and not feel anything at first, maybe this is just shock. But I hope not, because if this wears of... This is all going to hurt so bad. I pray never to feel again.

"You gain power by pretending to be weak. By contrast, you make people feel strong. You save people by letting them save you. All you have to do is be fragile and grateful. So stay the underdog. People really need somebody they feel superior to. So stay downtrodden. People need somebody they can send a check at Christmas. So stay poor. Charity isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind."

This week sucked, big time. Year two is taking a toll on my temper and my sanity. I needed respite. Just a day of it at least.

Saturday.

Christopher was performing in a play in MI so Vivienne and I made the long journey to MI at Bukit Batok. Foreign territory to the both of us. Vivienne filled me in on the current state of the Drama Club.

I really miss my Fridays with them. In the midst of our reminiscences the both of us forgot to get off at the right stations thrice. Had Burger King and took a bus to MI where Christopher was waiting for us clad in a dress shirt and dress pants.

Dude, you promised us a fairy costume. I want my money back!

Yes, he was supposed to be a fairy. But he turned out to be playing one of those post modern fairies. No fuzzy pink fluff and what not. Dang.

While waiting for his performance we wandered around trying to spend our 10 dollars worth of coupons in vain. Not much to buy unfortunately.

Eventually Christopher's performance began and we sat down to watch the play unfold. From a botched musical to a Cinderella Story. It was an entertaining play. The performance being in a noisy, open space with no lighting and few mics did detract from the play, but it was great.

Took a train to Dhoby Ghaut for dinner at some fish and chip shop. Bummed around at a bookstore and finally Gramaphone where I baught Titan A.E. for ONLY $3!

Upon reaching home, reality dawned on me.

Homework. Homewerk. Homework.

I promised myself instant noodles, grass jelly drink and Titan A.E. after homework. So, it's off to work now.

Sayonara.

I guess everybody's week must have been pretty rough.
Cause everybody's drunk, loud, and pissed off.
I know you've probably had it pretty bad

But you know, trying to hold back on being an asshole helps...

Come on, we're all in the same boat. Each of us knows what the other is going through so ease up, chill the fuck out and stop taking it out on your mates.

In the midst of chaos I find myself. Sitting at the dining room while everyone's asleep. Dirty, gritty disco beats just loud enough block out the world. The cars outside. The dogs barking. The trees. I was doing my assignment in my own personal mind disco.

So I worked, worked and worked. Made a mistakes, had to redo everything. I yelled in frustration to whoever could hear me. And then I continued to work, work and work.

And when you're so caught up in what has become your own personal hell, you don't realise how focused you are. Your to-do list grows steadily shorter and your CRITICAL folder fills up with finished assignments. And when you're done with one piece of work you realise...

"Hey... That's it."

Nothing more to do. I looked at the clock and midnight came only 9 minutes ago. That left me with about 6 hours to sleep. 6 hours of lack of consciousness. If that's what death felt like, it sure as hell can't be all that bad.

The dining room, lit only by my Macbook's screen was what I imagined Hell to look like.

My bedroom...

Now that... was Heaven.

Goodnight Friends. And if you're still up slaving away with your TV Production Scripts, good luck!

Give me Lust.
Give me Malice.
Give me Detached Existentialist Ennui.
Give me Rampant Intellectualism as a Coping Mechanism.

Give me Empathy.
Give me Sympathy.
Give me Brutal Honesty.

Give me Attention.
Give me Adoration.
Give me a Break.

Give me Pity.
Give me Another Chance.
Give me Wonder.
Give me Amazement.

Give me Tolerance.
Give me Understanding.

Woohoo! Yay me. Livin' it up before the apocalypse.