I felt bad for a while. Then I surprised myself with some shred of self esteem that hadn't been squashed out yet.

I know myself best. I've lived and suffered for my decisions for 17 years. I know myself best. I'm not arrogant. I'll hear you out and nod and to the best of my abilities follow the advice given to me. Those were mistakes. Foolish, yes. Understood, no.

Bottom line is we can spend out lives letting the world tell us who we are... Or we can decide for ourselves.

And if there's anything I've learned today it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Live like it's its 2007... Without the O Levels. Yea sure, there was blood on my chin where I've bitten my tongue but I guess I think better of myself than I thought I did.

And with all due respect...

I shouldn't say any more!

The sense of impending New Year Apocalypsish Doom is gone. I see dawn 2009. Not twilight 2008!

WOOOHOOO!!!

(:

Just so you know I'm not completely mental. REALLY LAH!

Dinny, Dinny, Dinny. Like some parable that begins in the southern province of China you have done something stupid enough to irrevocably prove your innate selfishness, foolishness and insecurity and possibly end up in Under One Roof if they ever did another season.

Really, I convinced myself I was the good guy. I convinced myself that it was the Martyrdom of Saint Me. I was the good guy.

Then I saw my reflection in a puddle in a certain some dark alleyway. Trench coat clad and gun raised at what I could never hurt. Last time it was me on the floor, gun barrel between teeth

Which is worse? Victim? Or Heartless Killer?

I was a fool for thinking I was the former and a downright idiot for falling into the shoes of the latter. I look back through the archives or everything that mattered to me and saw things I couldn't have written completely sober.

Grow the fuck up boy! It's not that hard for people to love you. Understand that and stop giving people a hard time for showing their own rare, exotic brand of affection that takes a understanding to appreciate.

It's not too much to trust a few people completely.

I know you know what I foolishly thought you didn't. So here you go Sherlock(s). Decipher this.

Oh it's awesome.

Aunty Naleeza's Christmas party was a blast as usual! Food, drink, food, ghost stories, good company and MORE FOOD!

Her vast array of culinary creations never, ever fail to satisfy. I swear, no on has ever baked a cake better than her. I fail to understand why she isn't a billionaire pastry tycoon haha.

Now I find myself having difficulty choosing who to hang around with. The adults or the children. There's no one my age around. So first, I chose to hang with the children in one of the rooms. As usual, I told ghost stories with the lights off. Scaring the CRAP outta them. It was hilarious. Even scaring the hell out of little children gets boring after a while, so I headed out to meet the older crowd because they seemed a bit less intimidating after a few rounds of drinks.

What was probably the highlight of the party was the story telling session by one of my Dad's friends. Not my amateur ghost stories. This was done my my Dad's friend. She started a story, a very abstract one.

Dark, Soft and Pliable.

We then developed the idea turn by turn and eventually ended up with a character, Spiderman! The story ended prematurely because of disruptions though. It's hard to describe it, but the lady who started this story had an amazing talent. She couldn bring out these really poetic things outta you. From my dad, me and even my brother who eventually thought of something.

So I went home feeling pretty good about things.

Woah... Bloody long post, but it's happy eh? I apologise for the emotional bullshit prior to this post.

And quote of the day...

girls are silly
thats all you need to know

Touch your thighs, I'm the lonely one
Remember that last sweat ‘cause that was the right one
Oh, all your mysteries are moving in the sun
And show some love and respect
Wanna get some love and respect
Baby, you can see that the gazing eye won't lie
Don't give up your lover tonight
Cause it's just you, me and this wire, all right
Let's tend to the engine tonight

She found a lonely sound
She keeps on waiting for time out there
Oh love, can you love me, babe?
Love, is this loving, babe?
Is time turning around?

Feast your eyes, I'm the only one
Control me, console me
Cause that's just how it should be done
Oh, all your history's like fire from a busted gun
I show some love and respect
Don't wanna get a life of regret

But, baby, you can see that the gazing eye won't lie
Don't give up your lover tonight

She found a lonely sound
She keeps on waiting for time out there
Oh love, can you love me, babe?
Love, is this loving, babe?
Is time turning around?

We slip into the bedroom <--------------I can't tell you how much I love this bit. It is EPIC.
Babe, you know me
This is alright
Holdings we'll make soon will
Sustain us through the night
Inside my bedroom baby
Touch me, Oh tonight
Poses will make soon
Will reveal our sense of right

You should be in my space
You should be in my life
You should be in my space
You should be in my life
You could be in my space

It was quite a slap to the face. I can take a hint though. The way I'm treated, the effort put into this. I'm not an idiot. But yea... Whatever...

Sometimes, the best way to cope with shit is not to hold yourself as such a precious little prize. That's it right there. Don't hold yourself as such a precious little prize. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else after all.

You know, all I've got to say anymore, to anything, save death itself, is...

Yea... Whatever...

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can hurt like hell.

And so can omissions, labels and the way you snap. Oh you'd put a snapping turtle to shame.

Shoot me dead for the cheesy title. Please do.

You know, it's not often I take leave from my typical "oh god not this romantic crap" and hard-assery. Unfortunately, today I find myself sitting in front of the telly completely engrossed some heartwarming, romantic, vaguely melancholic movie.

It can only be the magic of Christmas...

I tell you I feel like a complete sap smiling at the telly at every vaguely romantic bit of dialogue in the movie.

But even still, I watch this movie every time it's on the telly. There's something about it I love. It's probably just that it's a very hopeful, yet real movie. The little boy's naive, hopeful, lovestruck pursuit of the girl in his class. And as a contrast, the hopeless story about the man who fell in love with his best friend's bride to be.

It... Well, it sorta makes Love seem like a pretty... Probable... Possible... Plausible... Yea I'll stop at plausable. Yes, because it makes Love seem like a plausible thing.

In every vaguely atas neighbourhood hairstylist that you frequent, there is always one hairstylist named Ice. More often than not, you can tell who it is from the blonde hair or blue highlights.

Interesting isn't it?

Everywhere you go, there is a Role for you to play. The supposedly Good Older Cousin that everyone thinks is a role model. The loser who's always following them, but never going with them. The Joker. Black T-Shirt and Jeans.

People expect you to fill the role and you do it because when you don't, people get confused. And when you do, it settles in and it's hard to evict. It really does get on my nerves sometimes when you try and get out of your Role. You dress up for a night on the town and people say you act cool rather than say "Oh, there's a nice shirt you got there mate!" They try their best to remind you of your past and all the stupid mistakes you made rather than let you try to be a better person.

You're like a baby Godzilla. All cute and cuddly when you first get him. Then he grows teeth the size of baseball bats and starts toppling over skyscrapers.



You're going to need a bigger litterbox.

It's 4am. Yes, four-in-the-fucking-eh-em. I am writing a blogpost.

Why?

Because I had a nightmare. Not just any nightmare, but my favourite worst nightmare. The recurring one.

It happens in Isetan. I'm running through the top levels of Isetan. Something is chasing me. Laughing. Baying for blood. I can see it's shadows on the closed shutters of the shops. The building is dark and I can barely make my way to the escalator leading down.

So far, it's kinda freaky right? Now like anything in my life, it turns to fucking comedy.

As I run for the escalator I look back, see my demons and then... I overshoot the escalator. Like, I run straight and hover over the escalator for a few seconds. I look down, and begin to plunge down to hit the escalator steps.

Then I wake up with a cold sweat.

Funny, after going almost a year without a vivid dream, I this nightmare comes crawling back into my head like a familiar friend whom you don't like too much.

I guess it's a child of a threesome of confusion, anger and sorrow.

Funny story:

My brother, Vikesh, was sitting on the day bed watching Spongebob Squarepants like he always does. Then all of a sudden... BUDDHA FALLS UPON HIM!

No shit! This giant painting of Buddha that's up in my living room spontaneously comes of the hook and crashes down on top of the completely bewildered boy.

I died laughing.

Screw the friends who think you've got Sadim's Touch. Screw the people who say it's a waste of money. Screw the people who say you can't do it. Screw the people who tell you to move on.

There are people who care. There are people who believe.

It's a conundrum. I want to be alone. And yet I want someone. And then I want someone else to listen.

It's why people invented telephones. They hated to be too close together but they also feared being alone.

Well, I'll figure it out. I am well and truly Cutt Off.

The lightbulb in my room is supposed to last 5 years. That's a long time isn't it? Nope. Not when you realise that you'll probably only be changing it another 10 more times before you're dead.

That's not a very long time...

And when you waste or spend, I leave it up to you, 20 years of your life in the paper chase and another 2 in the military... You don't have a lot of it left.

Then you get a job, then a career. Then how many years left?

Not very many...

What's a career when you don't have friends? What's a being able to square route a triangle when a gun is pointed at your head? Not very much.

So don't waste what time you have sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth!

Go out. Go Skate. Play guitar. Play bass. Read a book. Paint a picture. Throw a party.

The clock is ticking!

Now when I realise this there is a lot I want to do. I probably won't get a chance to do all of this but I can try.

• Eurotrip.
• Skydiving.
• Play musical instrument competently and join a band.
• Scale Kilimanjaro and then reach Base Camp 1 of Mount Everest.
• Buy a house.
• Own a car.
• Own a bike (Ducati).
• Snowboard.
• Spray paint a wall in Haji Lane. (I've written "Peace" on the Peace Wall in Ireland, but that doesn't really count...)
• Have a pint in a smoky, damp, dark Irish Pub. (I was underage when I was there.)
• Go on an expedition with the Singapore Paranormal Investigators in Malaysia to find the Malaysian Bigfoot.
• Win a photography competition.
• Assemble a working computer.

So, what do you want to do?

I'm not Mariah Carey, I want a lot more for Christmas than just you! I want... A Ducati!



Red body with a grey frame please...

Man, I wish my folks celebrated Christmas haha.

Time to turn off BBC and turn on Star World.

So Saturday was XOXO's debut gig at Bukit Timah Plaza. Got there early and watched some of the other bands play. They were pretty good as well. While Gabe and Kev set up I went to meet Sonia, Denise and Bev who were almost late.

Needless to say, we made a hell lot of noise when the gig started. Cheering as well as laughing. XOXO's performance was really very good. It was the best that evening. To lazy to post photos now because they are already on my Facebook! And if you want to see them, you're gonna have to conform to the Facebook revolution and check out my album there haha.

Nah just kidding, here's the public link for the non-conformists...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=71879&l=d8dc7&id=765379408

My Sunday was terribly boring, owing to the fact that I couldn't remember what happened on Sunday. Nothing exciting so I'll ffwd to Monday.

Drama BBQ. It was one of the more memorable BBQs I've attended because... Well... We BBQed in the rain. No shit, it was raining the entire duration we were there. We BBQed under umbrellas, taking turns to hold it up.

It was wet and cold thanks to the perpetual drizzle and the icy cold sea breeze. Or was it land breeze? I'll have to clarify with Belle on that one haha.

Well, it was fun meeting my friends from Drama Club again. Quite a few people couldn't make it, but I was glad I came. Drama was one of the better experiences I had in high school. Fridays were what I looked forward to because of two hours of workshop and dinner with my mates.

But, no more Drama in Polytechnic. No improvs and rehearsals to look forward to after class. And dinner becomes a solo event of Fish and Chips at the nearby coffee shop.

Maybe I should have gone to La Salle? Because I really haven't ever felt this Cutt Off before.

I just feel bad about leaving a streak of such negative posts on a new blog. So I sit here thinking of something positive to say...

Aha! I got a new book. Rant by Chuck Palahniuk, the author of Fight Club and Invisible Monsters. He's got a real cynical, sarcastic outlook on life, the universe and everything. It's nice to read a book like that for a change. I mean, I'm sick of the altruistic "Power of love!" crap that ends up in every god damn mainstream book or movie like Nights in Rodanthe, Harry Potter or even Starwars. Though Starwars had it's redeeming points. I just love a good read.

One quote in the book really made me think. Don't take the quote literally, take it abstractly...

“Couldn’t you guess that old time gods and saviors like Isis and Zeus are just losers with beater Torinos and Mustangs who went party crashing and found a way to ‘sever their origins’? Maybe they all started as real nobodies, and as their reality faded, a new story piled up around them?”

Oh shit... This wasn't much happier was it? Hahahaha!

Sometimes, it's not what you mean that matters. It's what you do. Between the snide potshots shoddily disguised by your mirthful laughter I am left wondering. Am I really your friend? Or just the guy that has been hanging around long enough to fool himself.

It's more than how much you think you care. Your "Are you okay?" only serves to make you feel that you tried.

It's not knowing that kills me. So do me a favour and tell me to go away. The novelty has run out hasn't it?

And that's all there is to it.



Well, on a lighter and more comical note, has anyone noticed this one Bak Kwa ad on the buses? The one with "It's Titillating!" Now I don't know about you, but I'm sure most sane people are not titillated by barbequed pork unless they have some wierd food fetish. Even still, if whoever came up with the ad was doing Graphic Communications in Ngee Ann, I'm sure "It's Titillating!" would warrant an instant fail from our lecturers.

He looks as if he hasnt slept, his hair is purposely unkept
And then he knew his people wept, when you crafted your plan
The shadows underneath the eyes, and everywhere the bastard lies
My lack of proof is your disguise, you won't remember me
There's nothing really I can say, but sorry mate and walk away
I could be wrong unless you play your game, This world is cruel and most unkind
and horrible is redefined, I can't imagine that you'd mind at all